One of my very favorite things to do is give well-thought-out and meaningful gifts to people. In fact, it is one of my top two love languages. Giving gifts is one of the ways that I like to show people that I care for and appreciate them. The survivors that I served were no exception to this; it delighted me to see the smiles on their faces when I gave a gift. I mean, who doesn’t love a good gift? It seems like a win-win all the way around, until it isn’t.
Personal experience has shown me that gift-giving can be a bit of a gray area when in an advocacy role. Here are some questions that I learned to consider before assuming that gift-giving was appropriate:
Will giving a gift make the survivor feel like they need to reciprocate? In other words, will they feel as though it is transactional and that they have to give something back to even things out?
It is important to keep in mind that survivors are not used to receiving things without there being some form of price attached. We should remain cognizant and aware that a survivor’s past experiences will inform how they think and believe they should respond to being the beneficiary of gifts. It may be necessary to reassure them that there is no need to reciprocate.
Is gift-giving creating a sense of entitlement or expectation?
I have seen how gift-giving can be the catalyst that starts cultivating a mindset of entitlement and expectation, where the advocates' generosity is assumed without appreciation. This can present a myriad of challenges for the survivors and advocates. One challenge is that the giver can feel taken for granted, only feeling appreciated when they give a material item. Another challenge is that it can normalize behaviors such as making demands and reacting negatively if those demands are not met.
Will they be able to take the gifts with them to their next destination?
Although this is more of a logistical issue, it is something that needs to be considered. We had a wonderful team of advocates who were generous and showered survivors with gifts, but this posed a challenge when the survivors did not have room in their luggage for the flight to their next destination.
All of the above are just considerations. Gift-giving is a beautiful way to show love to survivors, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with extending generosity. I have found that survivors seem to value the gift of time and intentionality.
Here are a few things I would do to show that I care:
Learn what their favorite dessert is and surprise them with the ingredients to make it together.
Leave a handwritten card or note for them to find.
Join in whenever invited to participate in any activity, or invite them to join.
What are some things you do to show survivors love and care?
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