When I first started serving survivors I felt a sense of apprehension anytime I had to ask them to do something that they did not want to do. I felt it necessary to do the proverbial tip-toe around them, as I worried about upsetting them or making them feel uncomfortable. I had not yet realized the difference between empowering and enabling. I was so worried that I would be perceived as controlling that I did not understand that I was inhibiting the women by not allowing them to have the opportunity to experience growth. Ultimately I learned that I was impeding the survivor’s healing process when I enabled behaviors that keep them stuck.
What is enabling? Enabling refers to behavior that may support or facilitate another’s unhealthy or destructive habits or choices. Generally speaking it comes from a place of care or concern, but affects and has consequences for both parties involved if the pattern is not broken.
Signs of enabling behaviors:
Making excuses for or justifying poor behaviors because someone has gone through difficult times
Ignoring your needs to the point of it being detrimental and you are not caring for yourself
Avoiding conflict and having the ability to set appropriate boundaries
Experiencing resentment because you feel that you are being taken advantage of and that there is not reciprocity in the relationship
Lending constant financial support
It is important to remember that survivors may not have context for how healthy relationships work. This is where there is opportunity for growth. My experience is that the women I worked with were ultimately able to recognize that I was not being mean or withholding when I would not play a role in enabling them. Sometimes they would act out in anger or frustration, but when they saw that I remained steady and willing to help them work through their challenges in healthy ways it strengthened the relationship and helped them to navigate challenges in a more productive way. I learned that I would be of more help to them in the long run by giving them the necessary tools for them to work through what they were experiencing, rather than trying to fix the problem for them.
I feel that one of the major challenges we face as advocates is knowing when we are crossing over the enablement bridge with survivors.
Here are some questions that may help to ask yourself when you think you are enabling.
Will their poor behavior or attitude towards me get better if I do not address it?
Is their past always going to be a plausible excuse for allowing them to act out?
Does making everything easy for them help towards the goal of independent living?
Does giving money or material items create entitlement or enable unhealthy habits in this situation?
Does completing tasks for this individual facilitate room for growth?
I hope these help!
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